The Toilet Seat

When I was about 3 years old, I fell into the toilet. It was a normal day for me as a 3 year old until I realized that my bum was sitting in water instead of the toilet seat. I cried because I was upset that someone had left the toilet seat up. What was this sorcery!

After my mother laughed hysterically, she explained that it was my job in life to make sure I never sit my bare ass anywhere without looking first. She added that if anyone fell into the toilet because the seat was left up, they were morons and deserved it. My mother was a harsh lady and spoke her mind often. She was a single mother and was (still is) highly against sexism. In my mother’s eyes, both men and women were responsible for the toilet seat. When my step-dad came along, she proclaimed that closing the full toilet seat was more appropriate. That way, nothing would fall in and everybody had to put it down: not just men. This method allowed her to lose her shit at anyone who would leave the seat up in any fashion. She was pretty extreme about it.

I Fell In, Therefore, It Is Your Fault

Some people tend to pass responsibilities onto others. For example, when some of my lady friends do fall into the toilet because the seat wasn’t put down, they freak out on their partners. I understand that you may feel embarrassed that you fell in but there is no reason to blame another for this. You have eyes, you can use them to determine where you sit to do your business. If you happen to be blind, you still have your hands to touch around. If you don’t have eyes or hands, then I guess someone is there with you to check?!

Regardless of how angry you are at that moment, you have to realize that it is your responsibility to make sure the toilet is ready for you before you sit: Not his. He has to do work as well when it comes to put it up. It’s the same amount of work, don’t be a bitch about it.

He’s Well Trained

Women tend to make jokes about their male partners being well trained when it comes to the toilet seat. “He puts it down, I trained him well.” Are you dating a dog? Is your partner extra furry in the face and you need to take him out for walks and poops outside? Then you do not say you train your partner. I would personally dump your sorry ass for saying something like this about me.

Putting the seat down is just a robotic gesture he does so you don’t lose your shit on him. Most people don’t like to fight and most people will choose their battles. If you don’t see anything wrong with saying that your partner is “well trained” then go seek help. Thinking that your partner is some kind of animal you need to train for your benefit is highly insulting. It’s not how you should view a partner at all. In fact, the toilet seat should not rile you up that much and if it does, perhaps the problem is not with the toilet seat, but with something else.

Now go make him a sandwich like you were trained to do.

It Looks Disgusting

Well, pardon me m’lady, I didn’t realize putting the middle seat down suddenly made the toilet gorgeous to look at. A toilet looks the exact same whether the cover is down or the full thing is up. If it’s dirty, you’ll see it no matter what. If your brain is predisposed to see the toilet as disgusting when the seats are up (the cover becomes a seat sometimes) and not down, you should work on that.

A toilet is meant to be used to take shits and pees, it’s not sexy and it certainly isn’t pretty no matter how clean it is. Women seem to be conditioned at a young age about the thoughts of the toilet seat. It’s like some secret society that you can only be part of if you have a vagina. Older women teach younger girls to hate men who leave the toilet seat up like it’s some kind of revolutionary feminist thought. It’s propaganda I say… Please refer to the above bit about responsibilities.

Here are some tips on how to stop caring about the toilet seat:

  • Look before you sit. – It’ll become second nature.
  • Stop the negative feelings towards the toilet seat, your heart will thank you someday. You could direct that energy towards something more constructive such as starving kids in your neighbourhood.
  • Have a house rule of putting the cover down after each use so all human beings have to do this. It’s fair for everybody. You and small objects will appreciate this effort.
  • Clean your bowl regularly so you don’t feel as though it’s disgusting to look at. It’ll never be the majestic throne you are hoping for, but at least it’ll be clean if the seat is left up.
  • Choose your battles. Relationships are not the easiest, so why complicate things with such insignificant  negative feelings.

Use your toilet responsibly.

The Majestic Throne

Your Majestic Throne Awaits!

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