For years I felt restrained to what I thought life was giving me, unwilling to make an attempt at greatness in fear of failure. I always knew what I could achieve and also what I wanted to achieve but somehow got stuck in the HOW and became obsessed with what didn’t get achieved rather than actually achieving anything. For years I watched the minutes tick by, longing for more yet never reaching far enough. I’ve been dealt a bad hand from the beginning and I came to accept that my life would be nothing more than miserable events after another and I would feel as icy inside as a dry winter night. Although I kept a diary for years, I still found a way to repress memories and bury emotions deep down in hopes that I would never have to deal with any of it. To be honest, I always feared it would come back and so in college, the damage of the past came crashing down like a hurricane. Suddenly finding myself in the middle of this crazy whirlwind of recollections and thoughts didn’t feel all that new to me. Having lived all my life in a war zone where most adults were far from being role models, I was used to the torments and commotions.
Throughout the years, many thoughts have crossed my mind. From negative to positive, it swirled around me mostly choosing negative feelings, thought and actions. Without noticing, I fell into a personality pattern that was most destructive. I tried method after method, truly believing that one day I would get out of the hole I had dug for myself so long ago and would finally walk amongst others, free and happy. I always held on to that dream. And so the depression persisted, memories haunted me. I kept making the wrong decisions.
Being a firm believer in personal growth, I always tried to understand what the humans were all about. I took it upon me to study, understand, and focus on what others were all about in hopes that I, too, one day would find what I was all about. A constant confusion of who I was and what I wanted took me to places I never thought I would explore when I was 15, listening to depressing music in my parents basement. Year after year of researching how to deal with negativity, angriness and depression to find absolutely nothing that would work on me.
When big change happens to me, there is always an event that people would call “an odd coincidence” attached to it. The best example I can give you at this particular moment would be the event in which my life really started to change. It was at that exact moment when a light turned on in the darkest room of my mind.
It was back in 2008, a few days after my birthday (which is on Nov.11th), we were on one of our random road trips and decided to stop at the local Starbucks which was conveniently attached to an Indigo Bookshop. After we got our coffees, I disappeared in the many rows of books in search of rustic looking books. I don’t mind the section I am browsing; I just enjoy looking through books and touching the paper and… I’m a bit obsessed with books, pardonnez-moi. And so I am in the bookstore, coffee in hand, looking through a random book, when out of nowhere, something heavy falls on my head. After moaning to myself about the discomfort that caused my head, I looked around to see what had just happened. Nobody. Most strange. Then I looked down. A thick colourful book was on the ground, patiently waiting to be picked up. “So that’s what fell on my head” I thought automatically attracted to the bright colours. When I picked it up and read the title, something lit up inside me. The Awe-Manac: A daily dose of wonder by Jill Badonsky. To some up the book, it’s a highly positive daily journal of fun facts, quotes and fun creative activities that help you achieve happiness through creation and self growth. She is most awesome at making you feel great at your worst and helping you fight away the blues of a hard day. As soon as I went through its pages, I knew I had to own it. I’ve been following this book ever since I bought it and my life changes every day for the better.
It’s a one step at a time process…
Note*This post was first published on the blog: Life as a Loaded Gun